The Materialistics

Hi. Haven't been here in a while - my computer went boom and they block this site at work. Can't imagine why....but anyway. So much has changed. My life has taken twists and turns that I never expected or imagined. But I embrace it. It hurts, but we perservere when in the midst of our trials we thank God. Because these exist to make us stronger. I have just been asking for the Creator to reveal herself to me. Show me how this happened, why this happened and what I can do to make it better. To guide me out of my darkest feelings if what I am feeling is wrong. To show me that I am so fabulous I deserve to be happy. There are all kinds of influences all around us - I believe they exist to test us and our feelings. I just don't understand how I began to care for someone so deeply that I can't think straight. WHAT? Not me. I pride myself on not letting men consume me - I dont know that I would say that I am consumed by this - but I want it to be over. I dont want to feel this way. I am so intelligent and I have so much in front of me I can't afford to have someone attempt to hurt me like this. I know that in the end I will understand all of it. I will just continue to love me as I have been doing. We cannot continue to hurt each other as black people. The damage is so extensive that people tell me I am crazy when I say this - but I mean it. Not only black people but all people. I have been guilty of it myself. When I feel attacked or left behind or hurt I go IN. and I mean go in. And I have just decided that this is not the answer anymore. I cannot do that because that leaves me feeling angrier and empty. How does it help me in anyway to hurt someone that I care about? It really doesn't. And people may think that I am crazy but hey - I know this is right. We were not put on this earth to tear each other down and back bite and talk about and dissect each other. We were put here to help each other and to live the best life possible. And that is my goal and one of my many dreams. Now on another note, I met someone else a while back. And everytime he wants me to come meet him somewhere he tells me what he thinks I should wear. I have a BIG problem with this. I dont know why per-say, but it bothers me. Last night we agreed to meet today in a few hours actually and I found myself saying - I won't be dressed up - and he was upset about that!! do I really need this person in my mental roladex? Uh I dont know. I know that he doesn't know that is offensive to me because I only just met him - but my cousin and BFF and I have a creed and it goes as this: If he dont like me in sweats and my hair messed up then I dont need to be with him. Because we as people have put so much emphasis on what we look like it consumes us. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good and taking pride in who you are and what you look like - but don't let it define you. If that is all that you have to define who you are then it is time to reevaluate and look deeper inside. Let's give each other more credit than that. I never want to be appreciated for just looking a certain way. And when he said that to me it made me angry and it was a turn off. It was said more than once. All I am saying is this - put the materialism aside. There is nothing wrong with having nice things and dressing well. The Creator wants us to be blessed and look good. But don't let it be all you are about. There is so much more out there. So I dont know if I am going to meet him today for lunch - but I know one thing - I am going to wear what I want to wear. Not what he tells me to.....LOL

When am I going to get it through my THICK SKULL that I cannot please everyone. Everyone will not always be happy with me and the decisions that I make. Slowly but surely, this is starting to creep in. Over the past three days I had an awakening. I cannot continue to try to conform and twist to other people's sensibilities, thoughts, and values. And I need to quit asking them about it. I don't know where this became an issue but it is about to stop. I am worth too much and on the way to doing too many big things for me to let people dictate who I am and who I am to be. The things/thoughts/feelings that I have are my feelings - that is what makes them special. I don't have to be anyone but who I am. As long as I keep my relationship with the Creator intact, there is nothing anyone can say to me about my life. I think this is a great start. Why is this stuff so easy for some people and so hard for others? Seems like for as smart of a woman I am I would understand this mess by now...... :)